Oh, I’m sorry, were you expecting something politer? The truth is more painful than a rejected friend request isn’t it?
Bet you didn’t see that coming or you would have suggested me some sponsored content about why you’re the best platform in the 21st century.
Okay okay, let me backtrack a little bit, because I don’t think I’m making much sense. Now, I’m not saying I owe you an explanation for the way I feel about you, but the people need to understand how all this bottled rage was born.
Once upon a time, Facebook, you were a really nice place created to connect people. I used to feel safe around you and sharing my occasional status with the 50 friends I had back then felt warm and special; it felt real.
But then what began as a cooler, cleaner version of Myspace has quickly become the dirty laundry hamper for everyone we’ve ever met.
FAST FORWARD TO TODAY..
Let’s talk about what went wrong.
First things first: the timeline.
Facebook, you call this our “homepage”, but the truth is, it couldn’t be farther away from Home; It actually feels more like a suburb, a flee market or even a busy street downtown during rush hour. Bottom line is: it’s chaotic.
Not only is the newsfeed not chronologically ordered, but the platform keeps on showing us popular content assuming that because a photo of someone drinking a chai latte has hundreds of likes, then I’ll be interested in seeing it too. Well, guess what? It’s not my cup of tea. No pun intended.
24 Hours nonstop non-categorized unrelated news
To sum up this point: this is what my timelines looks like:
A photo of a bride and groom at a wedding
A status from Sara about how relationships suck
An ad about coffee machines.
Here’s a trailer that reveals what happens at the end of the movie
A cute dog meme (those are my favorites)
Someone passed away
A celebrity scandal
An ad about salt vinegar chips.
A video shared by someone i don’t even remember adding
Latest post from the group “We pretend it’s 2007”
and the timeline goes on and on and on. Forever.
Facebook keeps changing its privacy settings.
It seems that every time we get used to the current privacy settings, BAM you just decide to shake things up and shuffle all settings, Facebook.
Look, I know you share our personal information (anonymously) with advertisers so that they can effectively target us with ads. I’ll intentionally let this one slide. But now it reached the point that it’s all so very confusing. It’s like going to use a public bathroom only to find out all the stalls have broken locks and no door handles. It’s exposing.
Too. Much. Sponsored. Content.
At this point, the platform should just say “un-promoted” next to normal organic posts, because we all know sponsored posts make up the majority of content nowadays.
People can see when you’ve read their messages.
I just want the choice to stop that from happening. I’m not saying I’ll definitely use this, but it’s good to feel like I’m in control every once in a while, don’t you think?
5 years ago, I made the brilliant executive decision of hiding my birthdate from my profile. Now when the day comes every year, I don’t have to worry about the gazillion meaningless greetings people post on my wall. (Do kids still even call it a wall these days?)
But here I’d actually like to thank you, Facebook. Thank you for allowing me to be able to hide my birthday. That was very gracious and kind of you. You’re an angel. See? I can be grateful when I want to be.
No, No, No.
Enough with the random endless scrolling and displaying stuff I don’t care about.
Moreover, I’m really not interested in watching a Facebook original series nor will I ever pay you subscription money to do so. This is why we have Netflix, okie dokie?
Very very weird products; Very very shady people; It’s a dark dark place.
At this point, I won’t be surprised if someone sold me weed. Huh, you know what maybe they shoul- nope, nevermind.
People from work want to be friends.
Is there some kind of a brochure or social media constitution that has rules about these kinds of things? I mean, it’s a well-known fact that Twitter is a platform where you only add your closest friends or strangers. Instagram is best for friends and following celebrities/influencers. Linkedin is very professional and imitates a workplace.
But WHAT ABOUT YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU.
I’ll calm down now.
Using Facebook as Google.
You’re not google. Stop trying to be google.
I probably sound full-on angry by now, but honestly, people need to stop treating you like a search engine, it’s very very creepy.
It comes in so many different forms.
Sometimes it’s a series of non-stop statuses about the most basic aspects of the post-er’s day.
Other times, it’s a good ol’ Facebook fight in the comments. In other instances it’s a cringy and embarrassing paragraph where the Facebooker decides to talk to us about how her ex did her wrong. And then her ex likes her status out of dignity.
Some final thoughts..
To conclude, Facebook. I just want to say I’m very glad we had this conversation. I already feel so much better letting all of this out.
Just so you know, I’m not expecting you to change anytime soon. My high level of acceptance and open mindedness allows me to be understanding and to have very low expectations about you.
I’m also aware that this opinion of mind is probably very unpopular and that you have your people who love you and care about you. They chose to oversee your flaws and to take you as you are.
But not me, I decided to let you go.
I hope you take this break-up letter well, Marky Zucky.
It’s not me, it’s you.
An ex user.